You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
