why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
