i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We named our party play list daddy issues
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
