We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
