My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
