Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
