Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Watching her eat just hurts me
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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