My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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