No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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