as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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