this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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