Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
