i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I met the friendliest cop last night
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
