Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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