Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
