i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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