On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
