i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
