I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
