I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
