So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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