Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
