yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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