So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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