Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
