I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
