Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
3pm strippers are depressing
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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