I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
