Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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