Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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