So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
