You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
