Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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