I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
