In the future we'll all be gay
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
