Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
