I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
