I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
