Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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