I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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