i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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