he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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