One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
