I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
