Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
