Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
