Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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