she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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