Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
