I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
