Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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