I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
