There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
